I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
