im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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