I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
