if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Couch. On fire.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
