Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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