I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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