right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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