I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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