Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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