I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
