Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
