There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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