My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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