Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
