Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
