Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You smell like stripper and shame
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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