sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
