NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
