We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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