It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Congratulations! We have a period
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
