i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
