watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
