People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
