i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Randomize
