I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
