I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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