does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
