I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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