They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
