my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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