2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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