fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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