Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
