That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
