Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
