i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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