I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
