Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
