I want to have your abortion
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
