it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Less talking, more tequila
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
