He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
