I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
