hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
