If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Randomize
