Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
