Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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