Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
where are you?
Hypothermia
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
