connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
