i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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