i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Your cock deserves a montage
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
